Monday, September 13, 2010

Civilized lies

Oh, politeness. It's so...restricting. I am civilized, refined, and respectful. And a liar. Here are a few things I have thought about strangers that I would have very much like to have shared but didn't.

1. "Sir, I can see your nipples through your shirt. Because it's mesh. It's a mesh shirt. And you're in the grocery store. In the frozen food section."

2. "Can I tour your home? I just want to see the inside and go through all of your personal belongings."

3. "You remind me of Santa Claus. But thinner, taller, and with less of a heavy red furry overcoat."

4. "I only wanted a short answer when I asked how you are doing. I kinda just want to pay for this and leave."

5. "Why aren't you two talking to each other? Are you fighting? What are you fighting over? Why would you come here and not talk at all? It's so odd. Would you recommend that spinach dip you are sharing? Are you mad about the spinach dip?"

6. "I know that you are judging me as you silently stare. I can feel your cloak of judgement. Well, I will see your cloak and I will raise you a poncho. How does my poncho of disgust feel? Heavy? Not so fun, is it?"

7. "What life choices brought you to own so many broken automobiles?"

8. "Will you give me some of your money? You have quite and bit and I would like to be wealthy. Thank you."

9. "I need for you to pause in conversation so I can leave without feeling awkward."

10. "I think your dog is kind of a slut."


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